Let’s face it – washing your hands during a pandemic is the single-most important thing you can do to prevent the likelihood of becoming infected with the dreaded coronavirus. It’s also a great way to impress your friends and family by reminding them that you actually care about basic personal hygiene and the consequences of infecting them with a virulent disease that has no available vaccine at this time.
But how one goes about ensuring their own safety and the health of loved ones can be ruthlessly revealing. Here is your pocket guide to the various ways some of us keep our hands clean and what it says about our personalities in avoiding the possibility of catching COVID-19:
“The Eternal Gratitude”
If this is your preferred style of washing your hands, chances are you’re likely an ardent monotheist with an appreciation for self-sacrifice, walking in the rain and childhood baptisms. This technique features an emphasis on using as much water as possible to help psychologically cleanse away any notion of potential infection while making you bask in the glory of excess usage, a profound sense of well-being, and the inevitability of your costly utilities bill at the end of the month.
“The Siamese Soap”
This provocative style is particularly compelling to those who enjoy cuddling and a general sense of embryonic warmth harkening one straight back to the womb. Remember Linus from the Peanuts cartoon with his inseparable blanket? Yeah, that’s essentially what soap is to those of you that can’t help be without. Grab it, touch it, feel it and then keep it around you as often as possible. People who employ this kind of dedicated hand-washing technique use either gratuitous amounts of liquid soap or bars to validate themselves in ways unimaginable while leaving behind an aesthetically horrible mess for the next human to discover.
“The Narcissist’s Delight”
A favourite style of those who love themselves and also enjoy self-loving, this strategy is punctuated by a desire to touch every part of one hand with the other as if they were star-crossed lovers. That’s right, get in there with each finger and knuckle and nail until your hands look like butter and you feel like a member of the royal family. Combined with its comprehensive coverage and audibly pleasing massage appeal, this is one way to keep yourself physically happy and mentally sane throughout the day.
“The Lathering Hope”
This approach was perfected from the dawn of early civilization and remains with us through the eons as an introspective reminder that enlightenment can be found if we just rub our hands together diligently using any available soap as the primordial organic glue to avoid contracting anything spiritually evil. For atheists, this is also known as: “practicum common sensus.”
“The Absolution’s Wipe”
This is a special option for hand-washing purists who remember a time when drying your hands with a towel was a mandatory experience rather than an optional blow-dryer indulgence. A huge hit with octogenarians, health care workers and the clergy, this method is for the erudite and dignified who believe that even during the worst of times it’s important to act civilized with dry hands, an abundance of moist toilettes, and a cool head.
“The Liquid Lucidity”
For the incredibly insecure and mostly paranoid comes a preferred approach involving applying as much liquid and/or disinfectant as humanly possible. In doing so, it ensures that the practitioner invariably wastes most of it while walking away feeling like a million bucks in the midst of all this calamity. After all, how else would you reconcile the fact that your only bathroom alternative after a long trip was to find a dingy gas station that smells like it looks and has enough industrial grade soap to bleach your skin? Desperate times call for desperate measures.
“In Foam We Trust”
If this is your preferred modus operandi, chances are your old European grandmother taught you how to thoroughly protect yourself against a pandemic without you even realizing it. A time-honored technique of cleaning that leaves one with a profound sense of sparkling confidence – but only if you have enough time in your life to spend an average of 45 minutes a day accepting the fact that you’re probably a stone-cold hypochondriac with serious trust issues who might require therapy.