You’d think by now that Cineplex Inc. (with over 165 theatre locations) and the whole business of multiplexes would understand that hosing consumers during a pandemic isn’t going to save their decadent, crumbling industry.
When the incandescent hue of their e-mail campaign from their corporate offices pops up on your cell phone like a dying quail partially scorched by a total indifference to moviegoers during their struggle with real socio-economic entropy, you’d also think it was enough to restore some faith in the rite of passage known as “going out to the movies” with family and friends. It was supposed to herald a triumphant return to normalcy, but instead confirmed our worst fears while doing the exact opposite with their bullshit small font disclaimers and general aroma of misleading advertising.
Not only is this corporation expecting you to pay full price for new films (welcome back indeed), but the cost of their food and beverages have remained largely the same – with the notable altruistic exception of free butter. Yes, that’s right – the best these losers could come up with to get our collective asses back into their projection rooms was to entice us with the thrilling promise of chemically-based, highly synthesized fake slop that will make you forget the fact that greed is good. And for Cineplex, giving you a break during COVID-19 is neither an option nor a second thought, thus securing them as one of the more progressively tone deaf industries hit by the coronavirus.
Leave it to films like Unhinged and Tenet to catastrophically annihilate what remained of our desire to enjoy the cinematic experience. I’ll give the former some latitude because it’s essentially a vehicle for a bloated Russell Crowe in his quest to find relevancy at a time when our fondest memories of Gladiator have long dissipated into the realm of bittersweet nostalgia. But the latter represents a colossal failure from arguably the world’s biggest director whom I once genuinely admired for being a visionary, an auteur, and someone who should know better than to come up with whatever he thinks this film is about – which in actuality is nothing more than a glorified series of car commercials interwoven with the kind of product placement that likely funded the whole $200 million dollar budget. It’s a disaster that’s eerily reminiscent of the hollowness of Dunkirk spliced together with the inexplicable realization that Christopher Nolan no longer cares about screenplays and actual storytelling.
So, yeah – don’t waste your time or your money. And don’t even begin to factor in the risks that we’re forced to assume because of a brutally anachronistic biz model that hasn’t been updated since the 1980’s. Cineplex couldn’t care less about your financial welfare or mental well-being; for them, it’s all about raking in whatever remains of their profit-mongering posture until the only thing left standing is an empty box of popcorn, exquisitely stale nacho chips, and lots of empty warehouses where childlike wonderment and artistic escapism go to die.
You’re better off with Netflix and your sense of dignity intact.